The Ins and Outs of Staying With the In-laws

Because we typically spend three weeklong stints a year in Cleveland, we did the math and decided it was in our best interest to buy an inexpensive crib to store at their home. That way, Emmeline always knows where she is going to sleep, making bedtime a lot less stressful.

And let’s face it—when we’re talking about spending time with family, the less extra stress the better.

Plan to Minimize Stress 

All families have their own emotional topography, and navigating that territory while you’re sharing a bathroom can exacerbate issues that might otherwise be easily managed from hundreds of miles away.

And no, I am not talking about my family. Nope. No way. Nada. Not. I love you, Mom!

Relationship expert, author and advice columnist Beatty Cohan says that time spent with the old gang doesn’t have to be an emotional minefield if you take care to set your boundaries.

Cohan, a nationally recognized psychotherapist, has over 30 years of clinical experience. In 2004, she was appointed to Florida’s Commission on Marriage and Family Support Initiatives by Governor Jeb Bush.

During her years in private practice, Cohan says she has seen hundreds of patients who struggle with familial relationships well into adulthood.

Her own visits to her late mother, she says, were always limited to three days or less.

“You always need to have a game plan,” Cohan advises. “In my own situation, my daughter and I would travel thousands of miles (to see my mother), and we knew, come the third day, we had to get the hell out.”

If the situation between you and your parents is strained, you could even consider allowing your child to stay the night with his or her grandparents while you stay in a hotel.

“You want to find a way to make it a win-win, and not a win-lose,” Cohan advises. “The important thing is finding a balance.”

• Snug as three bugs in a rug.
• moochida

That balance may mean having plans to go out and do something every day during your visit, having a time limit for your stay or making sure you aren’t suddenly regressing to a sullen 12-year-old.

Enlisting your partner’s support is also important, Cohan says. “Tell your partner, ‘if you see things start to go down the tubes, tell me.’ That can help you realize what is going on and get yourself out of the mess.”

Finally, Cohan points out that, as adults, we all have the right to exert our own boundaries, no matter who we are dealing with—parents, grandparents, children and spouses alike.

“You need to be aware of what is going on around you, and if things get dicey, give yourself a time-out,” she says.

Good advice, that. Now I need to go call my mother.